Imagine a mother who always wants her child to behave properly and politely. When her child forgets to say "thank you," she immediately scolds, "Why don’t you have any manners?" When the child finishes eating but doesn’t clear the dishes, she reprimands, "You’re old enough to handle such a simple task!" And when the child fights with their sibling over a toy, she yells, "You’re being so selfish!"
Every day, this mother diligently corrects every little mistake her child makes, hoping they will change. But strangely, she never pays attention to the child’s good behaviors. When the child voluntarily shares a toy with their sibling, completes homework without being reminded, or naturally says "thank you," the mother overlooks these moments without acknowledgment.
Over time, the child begins to feel that no matter how well they behave, their mother doesn’t seem to care. They realize that their mother only pays attention when they make mistakes. As a result, the child unconsciously repeats negative behaviors—not necessarily because they want to misbehave, but because they are seeking their mother’s attention.
According to behavioral psychology, behaviors that receive attention are more likely to be repeated. Parental attention is a form of reward. When children only receive attention when they misbehave, they learn to attract attention through negative actions. Conversely, if parents focus on positive behaviors, children are motivated to continue those good behaviors.
Many parents often think, "It’s normal for children to do the right thing; I only need to correct them when they’re wrong!" However, this mindset can unintentionally strip children of the motivation to behave well.
So, how can parents nurture positive behavior in their children? The key is to focus on what the child does well and provide positive attention. Parental attention is a powerful reward for children. When a child exhibits appropriate behavior and receives recognition from their parents, they are more likely to repeat that behavior. Therefore, if parents pay attention to positive actions, these behaviors are more likely to occur frequently.
Providing positive attention means observing, acknowledging, and expressing satisfaction when the child does something right. There are many ways to show positive attention, including:
- Affectionate gestures: Smiling, hugging, or giving a pat on the shoulder.
- Words of encouragement: "Keep it up, Bin!" or a simple thumbs-up.
- Praise: "You were so kind to share your toy with your friend!"
Active listening: Asking questions and showing interest when the child shares something.
This strategy is most effective when practiced consistently. When parents make it a habit to look for the positive, children also realize that their parents are always paying attention to and acknowledging their good behavior.
Positive attention can be applied anytime, anywhere: while shopping, eating, washing dishes, or on the way to school. It doesn’t require much time—it simply becomes part of the daily communication between parents and children.
Praise is especially important when a child is struggling to learn a new skill or adjust a behavior. Parents can praise the effort, not just the result. If children receive encouragement even when they haven’t succeeded, they are more motivated to keep trying. For example, if a child is learning to tie their shoes but hasn’t quite mastered it, a parent might say, "You’ve tried really hard, and I believe you’re almost there! Let’s try again together today!"
Children aren’t always perfect, so parents need to pay more attention to appropriate behaviors and reduce focus on inappropriate ones. When necessary, parents can use other strategies, such as natural and logical consequences, to help children understand that certain behaviors are unacceptable without inadvertently reinforcing them through excessive attention.
Make positive attention a daily habit. The more parents practice it, the more natural it becomes, strengthening the parent-child relationship. When children feel supported, encouraged, and safe, they are more likely to behave appropriately.
Here are some ways to improve the parent-child relationship while supporting positive behavior:
Spend quality time connecting with your child: Observe and comment on what your child is interested in. For example, "I see you chose red and green blocks to build your tower!" This helps the child feel valued.
Follow your child’s lead: When playing together, let the child choose the activity whenever possible. This sends the message that their interests matter, boosting their confidence.
Create closeness: Sit on the floor, kneel on the grass, or crouch to your child’s eye level. Face them instead of observing from a distance. Make eye contact, relax your body, and smile.
Positive attention is not just a parenting technique—it’s a way to express love and build connection. When parents provide positive attention, children feel safe, loved, and have a solid foundation for growth. By focusing on the good, parents can help their children develop into confident, well-behaved individuals who know their efforts are recognized and appreciated.
In conclusion, nurturing positive behavior in children requires a shift in focus—from correcting mistakes to celebrating successes. By providing consistent positive attention, parents can create an environment where children feel motivated to behave well and thrive emotionally. It’s a small change in approach that can lead to significant, long-lasting benefits for both parents and children.