These might be the words of a 14-year-old child confronting their mother’s reproach: “Why do I do everything for you, and you never appreciate it?” This statement reflects a deeper truth that many parents may not realize: sometimes, the actions we take for our children are driven by our own desires and expectations, not necessarily their needs.
A few days ago, I had the opportunity to converse with several parents and colleagues—psychologists and educators—about a pressing question: What does it truly mean to prepare well for a child’s future?
Over the past decade, particularly between 2014 and 2017, the “natural parenting” movement gained momentum, fueled by media and extreme viewpoints. Some believed children should develop entirely freely, without schools or structured education. Others encouraged letting children do whatever they wanted, without rules or boundaries. However, many children raised this way struggled to integrate into society. They lacked essential skills and knowledge that schools provide and found it difficult to adapt to societal norms. They felt disconnected, without a sense of belonging to any community.
This disconnect can lead children to question themselves: “Am I incompetent?” “Am I different?” or worse, “Do I deserve to be treated this way?”
On the other end of the spectrum, I recently watched a short film about a child brought to a psychologist. When asked, “Have you ever thought about suicide?” “Have you ever self-harmed?” and “Do you feel like crying every day?” the child quietly replied, “Yes,” “I have,” and “Every day.” The parents, divorced and shocked, couldn’t understand how their once cheerful child had become so troubled. The mother, tearfully looking at her daughter’s study desk, realized the overwhelming expectations she had imposed: school, piano lessons, tutoring, and reading schedules plastered everywhere. She broke down, tearing down the schedules she once believed were “for her child’s good.”
Of course, I would never criticize parents for wanting the best for their children. I firmly believe that most, if not all, parents desire a bright future for their kids. However, their actions don’t always align with this goal. Therefore, before making any decisions for their children—especially young ones who depend heavily on their parents—adults should consider the following:
1. Expectations Aren’t Bad—It’s How We Set Them That Matters
Parents should set specific, detailed, and achievable expectations. Avoid vague statements like, “I just want you to be happy” or “Be more diligent.” Young children struggle to interpret such abstract concepts. Instead, be clear: “I want you to finish your math homework by 10 PM tonight.” The younger the child, the more specific and concrete the expectations should be.
2. Expectations Should Come with Support
Renowned psychologist Diana Baumrind introduced the concept of “parenting styles,” highlighting the importance of authoritative parenting. Authoritative parents set expectations and rules but also provide effective support to help children meet them. In contrast, authoritarian parents impose demands without guidance, focusing solely on results. When setting expectations, signal to your child: “I’m here for you. If you need help, let’s discuss it.”
3. Expectations Must Align with Reality
Parents must remember that their children will grow up and join a community. While respecting a child’s natural development and independence is crucial, parenting also involves preparing children with the knowledge, skills, and mindset valued by society and the workforce. A child who lacks these may struggle to find belonging and happiness.
4. Expectations Should Fit the Family’s Circumstances
Some parents push their children into expensive, prestigious schools or environments that strain the family’s finances. This constant pressure can become a burden for both parents and children, often leading to unintended consequences. Expectations should align with the family’s economic situation, values, and long-term goals.
5. Expectations Must Suit the Child
This is the core issue and where mistakes often occur. A common misconception is, “It’s my child—of course, I know what they want and need.” However, many parents impose expectations without truly understanding their child’s desires or capabilities. This can overwhelm the child, causing anxiety or resentment. Psychologist Lev Vygotsky’s concept of the Zone of Proximal Development suggests setting expectations slightly above the child’s current abilities but within reach, with guidance from a more knowledgeable person.
6. Acknowledge That Expectations Are Also for Ourselves
This may be controversial, but adults must recognize and admit that their expectations often reflect their own desires, not just their child’s needs. For example, choosing a school because its philosophy aligns with our beliefs, not necessarily because it’s best for the child. This isn’t inherently wrong, but it’s essential to be honest about it. Create a space for open discussions with your child about expectations, encouraging mutual understanding and compromise.
7. Prepare Mentally (and Have a Backup Plan)
Despite our best efforts, there may come a day when our child says, “I wish you hadn’t done that” or “If only you had done this differently.” We can’t predict the future, and many factors influence a child’s development. However, we must prepare ourselves mentally to face such situations with grace and resilience.
Final Thoughts: Balancing Expectations and Reality
We all have expectations for others, but what we think is best for them may not align with their needs. Parenting is a delicate balance between guiding and supporting, setting boundaries while fostering independence. By reflecting on our motivations and aligning our expectations with our child’s reality, we can create a nurturing environment that truly prepares them for the future.
In the end, the goal isn’t to mold our children into our ideal image but to help them discover and become their best selves. As parents, our greatest gift is not perfection but the courage to adapt, learn, and grow alongside our children.